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Battle Royale: What Bigwidesky should invest in, instead of a printer!

Blake Fehl
in culture

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During a recent status meeting I was given the task of finding a 11×17 printer for the office. Tasks like this go to me for a number of reasons, the first of which is that I’m not very important, the second is that I have a knack for finding deals.  I did my thing and quickly fired up “the Googles”, and found out that not only are printers useless, but they are entirely too expensive. Being someone who has been immersed in technology their whole life, I’ve never really gotten the appeal of printers.  I mean, I get why they are there, but I’m not sure why we continue to print things out when we have these beautiful high-res screens to view everything on. So, I’ve decided to come up with a list of things we could buy for the office instead of a high end printer.

1. Boxing Arcade Machine 

This is obviously my number one choice. It accomplishes a number of things, the main one is it lets me hit something when I feel like it, which is a much too common occurrence. I know what you are thinking, “Why don’t you get a punching bag or something?” Does your punching bag tell you how hard you just hit it? I didn’t think so, actually if they made one that said “Ow” when I hit it, I’d be loading that on the back of my broken down Jeep.

Every office has a printer. You walk in see a printer/copier and think, “I’m in an extremely boring office.” Whereas if you walking and you see the PUCHINATOR 4000 (probably not the game’s real name), you think, “Holy hell! These guys not only conduct great business, but they might also take down some of my enemies in physical battle if it came to it.” This is the kind of assurance that every client needs. So, let’s make this a reality.

2. Rock Climbing Wall

Right now we have an unused loft space above our kitchen, but no way to get there. I’m all about pretending to care about physical fitness, so I’m going to kill two birds with one stone. Installation of a rock climbing would allow us to use the space above the kitchen as a new office, and provide a quality two minutes of physical fitness for our recreationally lazy staff.

Now if we really wanted to shake things up, we’d put the conference room up top, and make clients scale the wall to make it to the meeting. We will make a gentleman’s agreement, that if they can’t make it up, they have to pay us the remainder of our contract up front. Another win win for everyone!

3. Ted Nugent Pinball Machine

This one was suggested by our designer, Heather Lindsay. Apparently HL has a thing for the Nuge, and why wouldn’t she? He’s a rock god! Eliot, of course, has been in love with him since he realized that they share a lot of the same political ideals. If you are going to get a pinball machine, might as well get one of someone you idolize right? Unfortunately for me, they have yet to come out with a Cuba Gooding Jr. pinball machine. I’ll keep crossing my fingers until then.

The pinball machine is no boxing machine, and might have the propensity for causing more stress in the workplace. The number of curses that would fly through the air after playing the bad boy for thirty minutes would approach the high score of the machine itself. One could only hope that the sweet sounds of “Stranglehold” coming from the machine could calm those who insist that they hit the “f’n bumper”.

4. Private Chef

Mary Ann is obviously the smartest of all of us, as she understands what really keeps us going.  Her suggestion of hiring a private chef is the most expensive, but the most useful. For someone who consists mainly on a diet of the McDonalds next door, a chef would be brilliant. I’m not sure I’d eat any healthier, but I’d look classier doing it. It should be pointed out that a private chef doesn’t do yearly Monopoly contests, so I think we all know who the true winner is.

I’d like to think that a chef for bigwidesky would have a pretty simple go of it, but I think we’d end up questioning their every decision, because that is just the type of people we are. I don’t mean that we are annoying about it (which we may be), just that we would inundate this poor man or woman with requests on how to improve our meals. After saying all that, if you are a chef come work for us!

5. Fancy Espresso/Coffee Machine

If there is one thing that designers have done to the dev side of the industry in the past decade, it’s that they’ve slyly introduced their fancy drinks to the dev side of things. Years ago devs would would leave their work caves to get a simple coffee (or maybe a Bawls…), and most of them would enjoy it with little frills. Times have changed, and developers have realized they can not only get that jolt of caffeine to finish an all night coding  session, but they can enjoy it as well.

Chris, our lead developer at bigwidesky, personally consumes a gas tanker full of coffee a week. I might be slightly off about that amount, but it sure seems like he drinks that much. We have a simple coffee maker, that he loads up with whatever is around. Most of the time he hops over to Einsteins Bros. Bagels next door and picks up their delicious Vanilla Hazelnut blend, which is the equivalent of getting a girly drink in a bar, but as Chris is extremely busy, we try not to give him too much trouble.

What if he could make even more tasty concoctions, and we could take advantage of that as well? Then after we are all wired up, we can use the rock climbing wall to work off some of that excess energy.

  • Anonymous

    Hey, if you want to sub-lease your private chef, I’m pretty sure we could get VCU to pay in! I’m mobile so I could just run courier between locations with deliveries, NBD. ;)

  • Adam Hallas

    The alarm/feeding machine at the beginning of Back to the Future. 

    …and a dog….I guess.